Dr Seuss-style review of Da Vinci Code

I just had to post this - it's going round an email list I'm on. It is a review of Da Vinci Code, in the style of Dr Seuss, which I am pretty familiar with at the moment, having a four-year-old son. His favourite Dr Seuss characters are the Sneetches. For the official Dr Seuss site, go here. For a good page with lots of Dr Seuss links, go here. See DVC review below.

I would not watch it on TV,
I would not watch on DVD.
I would not watch on VHS,
I would not watch on CBS.

I would not watch it in a car,
I would not watch it in a bar.
I would not watch it with my dad,
I would not watch it when I'm sad.

I would not watch it in my bed,
I would not watch with my friend Fred.
I would not watch it on a box,
I would not watch it shown on FOX.

I would not watch it on a table,
I would not watch when it's on cable.
I would not watch it in a chair,
I would not watch it anywhere.

I wish I had not paid eight bucks,
This movie really really sucks.

Comments

[Terry Hamblin]

Thank God for Dan Brown. What a chance he gives us to assert the historicity of the Bible. In what other circumstances could we have got people to listen to such a dry subject?

[Roger Sansom]

Jesus was asked: Which is the greatest commandment? He said: These are the greatest - read Genesis as science, denounce homosexuals, and believe I am unmarried.

At least, these are the grounds the popular battles of Christianity are being fought on today.

Far more founders of world faiths were married. Jews and Muslims must think 'Christians' are raving mad at the moment.

We never seem to hear just why the Church came into existence if it was covering-up from the start. A sudden discovery in da Vinci's time might be a more credible conspiracy.

Mary Magdalene seems to have been the only woman alive. I believe E.P.Sanders pointed out that on what we learn of her from the gospels she might have been eighty-five.

The "Da Vinci" business has been explained as a desire to undermine religious certainty. There is a whole scholarly literature for this, mostly unknown to the public and the general press. The protests are apparently the biggest since "The Lat Temptation" - in which Jesus only dreamed about being married.

People seem not to think to ask who Jesus was or why he should have been celibate.

(I have read a novel about finding his bones, and there's a feature film with the same theme. No controversy there.)

[Chris Webb]

Hi Ruth.
I found this inspiring - so much so, it brought out my own, previously suppressed, literary flair. Here, then, is:

The Da Vinci Code.
An abridged edition, after Dr Seuss.

I am Dan.
Dan I am.

I have a code.
My code is quite clever.
When will you crack it?
I don’t think you’ll ever!

Oh the laughs you will laugh!
Oh the fun that is funny!
When you’re cracking the code
On days rainy and sunny!
You can crack it in the Louvre.
You can crack it on the move.
You can crack my code acrostic.
You can crack it like a Gnostic.
You can crack it like a Templar
If you follow my exemplar.

Here is Robert. He’s in a fix
Till he works out da Vinci’s tricks.
Poor old Rob will come a cropper
If he’s cornered by a copper.

Uh oh! This monk is very white
And likes to tie his cilice tight.
He must be mad. He must be bad.
He must be sad and miss his dad.

Here is Sophie. She does codes.
She unlocks encryption modes.
I do not think she’s drinking ale.
I do not think she’s like a snail.
I do not think she tells a tale.
I do not think she’s looking pale.
I do not think she chews her nail.
I think she is the Holy Grail.

The Grail is not a cup – no way!
The Grail is not a bowl of clay.
The Grail is not an urn and lid.
The Grail is Jesus’ little kid.
Jesus had a thing for Mary
But the Pope found that quite scary,
So, to give the kid a chance,
the Priory hid her in France.

Oh gosh! Here comes my good friend Rick!
And see! Here comes my good friend Mick!
I do not like the way they look.
They think I’ve pinched stuff from their book.
They want to take my cash – there’s oodles.
Enough to buy poodles. Enough to buy noodles.
Enough to buy paper to draw little doodles.
I don’t want them to have it! It’s mine, see; all mine!
Sitting on oodles of cash is just fine!

Thank goodness the judge put them out of the picture.
Thank goodness the judge made them both sling their hook.
Thank goodness I’m still much more famous and richer
than all those who bought my ridiculous book!